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Finding the buttons: the PS button is the round PlayStation logo button between the sticks. The Create button is the small one to the left of the touchpad (where the PS4 had Share).
A slow pulse means it's trying to reconnect to a PS5, not pairing. If that happens, turn it off and try again.
You need iOS 14.5 or later for DualSense support. On older versions the controller simply won't appear — update the phone first.
Android 10 or later works best. Most modern Samsung, Pixel and OnePlus phones handle it without issue.
Connecting to a PC — much the more common question, so worth covering:
What doesn't work: the adaptive triggers and advanced haptics are a PS5 feature and won't function on a phone or, in most cases, on PC. You get standard rumble at best. The touchpad, microphone and speaker also have limited or no support outside a PS5.
Reconnecting later: once paired, the controller should reconnect when you press the PS button, as long as Bluetooth is on and it isn't currently paired to a console. A controller can only hold an active connection to one device at a time.
Switching back to your PS5: just plug the controller into the console with a USB cable, or hold the PS button while the console is on. It re-pairs to the PS5 and drops the phone. You'll need to redo the phone pairing next time — this back-and-forth is normal and is the main annoyance of sharing one controller.
Mounting the phone: a clip-on phone mount for the DualSense makes handheld play far more comfortable, and several are made specifically for this controller.
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